Bay Laurel Tree, located in my backyard

Dwarf Fruit Tree, located in my side yard

PART ONE:

I cannot decide if the problem was my being away for 11 weeks, spending the winter on the central California coast, or returning home 2 weeks earlier than expected. When I drove into my driveway, saw the uncut lawn, caught a glance at the runaway shrubbery, and spotted those errant weeds, I channeled the Lomax. “I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues,” he whispered, with a grunt, groan and tsk, tsk, tsk.

It gets worse. My small 11-foot patch of grass in the backyard? Half gone. While Mama was away, those pesky rabbits did play. Two of them, who had no fear, were still in residence, munching away.  Although I’d hired people to care for my lawn, it obviously had not gone well. Let’s rephrase that. Well, it had gone. Since I’d been up all night and had just completed an 8-hour drive, I simply wanted to unpack my car and sleep the day away. First, however, I wrote my groundskeepers their last check, slapped a stamp on an envelope and walked to the mailbox.

Survival of the fittest. Some fruit must be picked off now to allow others to grow..

Flowering Dwarf Fruit Tree

PART TWO:

The great French novelist Marcel Proust wrote, “Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”

Proust knew his prose. What I needed was a charming gardener who would do some soul-blossoming.  After prowling the neighborhood, soliciting suggestions, I had the names of several good candidates. By midweek, I had found a new best friend, Peter Bruno of Anthem Landscape & Design. By the end of the week, Pete and his crew had carried 12 humongous plastic bags of cuttings to the local landfill. Remember, I live in the desert and my property fits on a postage stamp. Think, overgrown. Then, supersize it.

A sunny day in Nevada, preparing to replant my herb garden.

Planting new herbs among the well-established perennials

Now, to the challenging issue. My backyard lawn. Please keep in mind, I don’t like fake things. I want my fences to be wooden, my shingles to be shake and my grass to be growing. Although this was more an obsession than addiction, it was clearly time, my friends thought, for an intervention.

My neighbor, Ray, “Mary, I think you should consider artificial turf for your back area.”

My friend, MIchelle, “Mary, look at my yard. It’s fake. No watering. You’ll save money.”

Over the back wall, another neighbor, Bobby, yells, “Mary, it’s okay. The artificial stuff looks better than it used to look.”

Pete is amused.  “Let me show you top-of-the-line turf, Mary. It’s good quality.”

I overheard Bobby say to his wife, Adriana, “She’s not going to win with the rabbits. Either she goes artificial or gets a dog.” (Although a dog is in my future, any self-respecting Golden Retriever puppy would be hatin’ me when the Vegas summer temps rise to 110 degrees.) I chose fake.

The artificial turf is applied quickly before I change my mind.

This is NOT a Golf Course or Putting Green. Honest.

Three days later Pete carpeted my backyard lawn. The next day southern Nevada was blessed with its first rainstorm in months. My first thought?  “Terrific, the new grass will get a good soaking!”

Oops. Then, I remembered. Even if it looks good, I will never admit it.

PART THREE:

Miracles do happen.

Despite Pete’s do-over and ongoing assistance, I am not a Checkbook Gardener. If something’s going to be planted in my yard, I want to be the one to dig that hole. Thinking to myself, I have a Master’s Degree and can outsmart any four-legged Thumper without declaring war, I sought a solution.

Container Herb Gardening

Container Herb Gardening

This week I reenergized my herb garden but moved all the bunny-friendly food, the basils, the parsleys, to huge pots. Every container owns a new drip line, its private source of water. Although container gardening is nothing new, it is a novelty to me. I’m enthusiastic, however, and my inventory of planters is expanding as fast as I can find plants to put in them. If there’s a future Queen of Drip Lines, I might win the crown.

Order has been restored, bringing honor to the advice of the Lorax to the Once-ler: